This weekend with Tall Lady started out really well. I knew when she pulled out her hiking boots Saturday morning we were going to have some fun. An hour later, we were on one of our favorite trails and it was fantastic. My tail was wagging, my tongue was out and I was loving life. Tall Lady kept talking about the trees changing. We even saw Elk snacks!
These kinda scared my mom, but I just wanted to chase them. She kept saying, “Where is Cody?” Funny enough, my uncle was out hunting elk this weekend with my grandpa and they didn’t see anything other than elk decoys. It didn’t make him happy to hear we’d wandered into a smart bunch of the giant tasty snacks who were hanging out in the park. No hunting there!
That night, Tall Lady got dressed up for a fancy night out with friends. She was wearing a new coat she bought when my grandma was visiting — an antique mink cape. The party was country club themed, and Tall Lady went for it, even though she’s isn’t a fur kinda gal.*
So happy. So naive to the hell that was about to reign down upon the homestead.
A few hours later, she returned and let me in the backyard. While she hung up her coat and kicked off her heels, I went to battle with my black and white arch nemesis — Pepe. Mr. Le Pew might live beneath the shed in the backyard, or might roam. We aren’t sure. But as of late Saturday night, both me and Tall Lady are quite sure what kind of damage Pepe can do.
Look, it wasn’t my fault. I’m a terrier and he was in my backyard. Terrier. As in, of the earth. As in, I stick my nose where at times it shouldn’t go — kinda like Tall Lady. Just when I thought I had that French bastard, he got me. Right in the face. I was dripping with mustard yellow skunk oil when Tall Lady — who was completely confused — scooped me up and into the tub. Come to find out, skunks smell entirely different when their spray is actually on you.
Baths 1-4 were fairly useless. It wasn’t until we cut away my fur, saw an ER pet doc and had a friendly neighbor come over to give me a peroxide scrub that I stopped drooling. My eyes are still watering a bit and I look like a damn poodle with my hair cut this short, but it will grow back. I can’t say the same for the towels, clothes and collar that were ruined. Or the fact the car and the bathroom may never be free of eau de skunk.
I definitely feel bad for Tall Lady. She got some of Pepe’s stench in her mouth when she picked me up and was sick as a human. But, now I think we both get what the neighborhood siamese cat was trying to explain about karma. My mama wears fur and the woodland animals of the homestead boomerang back to smack her in the head.
It’s on, Mr. Le Pew. You may have one this battle, but if I remember correctly, the French don’t do well in war.
*A note from Tall Lady: while I was previously an adamant environmentalist who would have scoffed at the idea of wearing a fur, holy shit have you ever worn fur? IT FEELS SO GOOD. And, this was recycled fur. My purchase did not kill any animals. So don’t get all PETA on me. I have plenty of guilt already.