A Psyche Detour from the Domestic Bliss Route

September 23rd

Do you ever have those moments of clarity when you realize you’re hopelessly flawed? It’s like the blue screen of death for a computer, but it’s your life. And you’ve got to drag yourself through therapy, the self-help section, or a great dive bar to get over the initial shock and reboot into repair mode.

I was that kid who cried at the end of the school year because I was going to miss my teacher over the summer. Same goes for any sort of change in regards to coaches. I loved my swim coaches. When one became pregnant and could no longer cheer my chubby little speedo’ed ass down the lane for two hours each afternoon, I was distraught. How could she leave? When my minister was reassigned to another church my freshman year of high school, I apparently wrote him a note saying I’d be in his congregation again one day. His wife recently found it and we chuckled at the sentimentality. I drive 40 miles each Sunday to be in fellowship with him.

This characteristic is mostly a good one. I’m a committed friend; I don’t just want to know how you are feeling, I want to know why you are feeling this way. I get invested easily. Ask Salty Senor — his family sweetly jokes that I’m his life coach. This is great for those who want an over-the-top friend or girlfriend, and horrific when they just want someone with a normal interest level. When I decide to give, I give everything I’ve got.

On the flip side, this leaves me raw when someone overnight decides to walk away — whether it is a best friend, a boyfriend, a family member. There are times when this has happened and I felt wronged. Anger let me easily walk the other direction too; there is simply nothing left to say.

That list is short and not so sweet.

The other — of those who I still care for but am not in communication — is much larger. These names make my head hurt and I find myself bummed out at the strangest of times.

I love to love. It stinks when it doesn’t jive. This is especially a bad combo for a self-described Type A girl who likes things just so. Then again, maybe it is better to miss those who were once in our life than to not feel anything at all.


Posted in
Good to Great, Journal
Follow the comments.

26 Responses

  1. I fail to see that loving to love is a flaw. It is part of why YOU are so loved by so many. Take heart, Kel. Here’s to re-booting.

  2. Oh Kelli, give thanks for your open heart. It is such a rare thing. And I for one, love to find people like you who are not scared to invest in others.

  3. Remember that there are not possibly enough hours in the day, weeks in the month, months in the year to nurture every relationship to its fullest. Esp without sacrificing yourself!

    But I hear ya. All we can do is focus on those who ARE active in our current lives πŸ™‚

    People come. People go.

  4. Did you just crawl into my brain?
    I was just thinking about this kind of thing (about myself).

    I love that you’re so invested in people.

  5. I love love! πŸ˜‰ It never gets any easier. But with good friends hopefully some of the anger disappears with a hearty margarita.

  6. Thank you for being such a kind hearted person, and for getting invested easily! Some of us love that you care so much. πŸ™‚

  7. You’re such a caring person! It’s hard letting people go. ~D

  8. I agree. It’s better to remember the good times than to feel nothing at all. Anyway it would be a lot of hard to work to be non-emotional. It’s (thankfully) not in your nature. Sometimes people aren’t in our lives for as long as we want them to be, but they still added something good (or at least interesting) to the fabric of our life. Thinking about it that way always gives me some comfort.

  9. I experience this same type of heart-hurt in some relationships. It’s hard when someone doesn’t reciprocate the care that you have for them.
    I’m feeling a different kind of heart-hurt today. When I read this post I got to thinking about it the way I would a sore muscle- I’m going to treat it gingerly until I’m better. Wishing you peace.

  10. Miss Kelli, you are such a great friend. Your ability to care, appreciate, check in and be life-coach has been a huge help to me the past year.

    I have felt exactly like this before… then I heard something that helped a little. It is the concept that people come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Check out this link, might give a little perspective: http://www.new-mind.com/Library/seasonreasonlifetime.htm

  11. Larissa Stretton September 23, 2008

    Aww Kelli,

    It’s always good to care too much. It’s what makes you you, a very special person, one that should be cloned (in my humble opinion anyway). The world would be a better place if everyone were like you. But take care of your wounded heart right now, sometime the memories won’t hurt like they do today and they will bring you pleasure.


  12. The link to adammackwright.com seems to have expired, i think i forgot to renew my site…oops.

    You know you’re way more to me than a life coach…

  13. β€šΓ„ΓΊI hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.β€šΓ„ΓΉ
    ~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

    It is our softest places, and our willingness to expose them, that make us the most powerful as human beings…but that vulnerability definately has a downside at times.


  14. Kelli,

    The reward is always greater than the risk…..when it comes to love and friendship.

    Unfortunately, there is risk and and as my mom would say….”You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince.”

    I wish you peace, and a big glass of wine to help you through this time.

  15. kelli, i feel you.You write so well.I think although we get hurt by investing everything at least we win as well by being totally open.I hope this hurt passes soon, you are to lovely to be sad:)

  16. The Fluff September 23, 2008

    Kelli – your last sentence sums up everything. And I;m down for the margaitas

  17. I feel the same way too often. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away. I am loving facebook, because I have found a few long lost friends and even some cousins who have drifted away.

  18. I love it, it’s the easiest and the hardest way… lovin and then letting it go..
    but then some wise soul once said , they are never really gone, bits and pieces are stuck to you forever…

  19. Ah, young one, I know a little girl who is just like that. I have had to spend the last month helping her adjust to some changes. You have a rich life. Live it well, pain and all.

  20. ah Kelli, your open,loving heart makes you who you are. Don’t change. It can make life painful, but it also makes life joyful and loving and passionate.

  21. Tara in Tucson September 23, 2008

    Your words profoundly impacted me tonight, especially given how excited I am to be seeing you next week and how incredible it feels to have you in my life, even despite some short hiatus’!!

    I am like you…I am a type A who needs things just so, who loves to love like it was the only thing I was put on this earth to do. But sometimes we love the people we shouldn’t and have to learn to let go, and other times we love too much and they let us go. Or we love and it isn’t reciprocated, etc.

    No matter the outcome, it was the journey of love that was incredible and important. Giving so much of yourself is a difficult thing to do, to be so vulnerable. But my dear friend, loving is not a flaw…loving is incredible, and we would be nothing without it. The pain of loving someone and then dealing with the changes that may come when that love is ending is something I am very experienced at, unfortunately. And yet, even despite all of the pain and hurt, I wouldn’t have changed any of it, as I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not gone through that. We cannot help loving and caring about people. Sometimes that hurts like hell, and we question why we loved especially when your heart is breaking. But questioning helps us realize how important those emotions are and how we need to continue to process those emotions, even when we feel like we are crumbling from the pain and sadness of relationships ending or changing.

    You are an incredible, loving, compassionate friend, Kelli, and I hope to continue to learn from you and hold you close in my life and my heart.

  22. No matter what, to love is the most beautiful thing we can experience in life. Some people come and some people go. I guess they come when we need them and they go when they finished their mission with us. But we share memories together, we share love together, and this will never be forgotten. It’s the journey that counts, and not to love would be far worse!

  23. remember people come in your life for a season, a reason and a lifetime…..but God is always there….keep your head up Kell’s I will be in Phoenix this weekend, it would be awesome if I could meet you, you inspire me….a lot and I am in MN wow!

  24. Sometimes people come into our lives for a season sometimes forever. Love them with all your heart and learn from them as they learn from you. I give all I have as well. There is nothing wrong in that. Learning to let go though takes longer. I think having to let you children go is the hardest thing! (Okay, the love is stil there, but……)

  25. Oh my gosh, you are in my head..I have felt a lot of these same things recently about some people I used to be really, really close to..Thanks for being soo open!!

  26. you have an incredible, giving, generous heart, kelli. there is room for intense love and passion and balance, too, i think… i don’t think you are flawed at all. and i am so sorry that you are raw and hurting right now. it sucks that those who love the most can hurt the most too. thinking of you and sending you love + hugs.