Category Archives: 2021

Laugh With Me

Do you have a ball? If not, can you get one? And can you throw it about 10,000 times?

I’ve always been a creature of habit. Chalk it up to being raised in a home with a steady schedule, I find comfort in knowing what the day will look like. For many years, this daily habit included running. For an hour or so before every work day, I’d meet a friend and run along the canals in Tempe. Eventually, this routine caught up with my joints and left me hobbling. There wasn’t a huge physical change when I stopped, but the lack of endorphins caught up with me quickly. I still miss the running high, enough to foolishly try to run a few miles here and there every now and then. (If I thought I hobbled before, you should see me the day after one of these optimistic outings. It is not pretty.)

My new routine, thanks to having yet another terrier who won’t sit still, involves an hour or so of walking. We live in a “hilly” area and after 4-5 miles in the heat, both Dolly and I are ready for the day. By the time I’m showered and ready for work at the kitchen counter, she’s conked out on the couch. This time walking allows for listening to books and podcasts, so it isn’t all puppy dog tails and hot sidewalks. We’ve also become friends with all the other neighbors who walk at this time.

Do I look sleepy? Don’t let these eyes fool you. I’d really like to chase a ball.

This morning, I got out of a cool shower and realized I feel like myself. For the first time in a very long time, I feel happy and at peace. Give it to endorphins, getting the exercise out of the way first thing, or being back to a normal routine — but I feel good in my own skin. All this walking has my clothes fitting more comfortably and my skin tanner by the day. But more than anything, I’m not crying as much. For many months, I felt a heavy weight of sadness. I carried it with me constantly, and the only way I knew to make it feel better was to make fun of it. I’ve made far too many people I love uncomfortable by cracking jokes about my barren body.

Making friends laugh has been the only way through this; looking at how terrible the situation is and going, “Wow, man. This is awful. Let’s find the funny. Help me find the funny.” And because I have great friends (and spouse), they all have.

Let me tell you, it take a long time to get all of those fertility drugs out of your system, the extra weight off, and to feel like you can watch a sappy commercial or anything on the Hallmark channel without having to wash your face. But this morning, dear Reader, I got dressed and was like, “DAMN GIRL. YOU GOT THIS.” And that was the first time in a long while that I laughed at and with myself, all while screaming Taylor Swift songs to the dogs.

I know how to paint a scene, right?

I’ve come to a place of acceptance that I won’t be a mother, but instead am called to be a great aunt. I have more maternal love and energy than I know what to do with most days, but the neighborhood children, animals, garden, and friends receive this instead. (Thank goodness for the patience they all continue to show. My sister in law, in particular, is the best.) When the occasional moment or day is dark, I find comfort in my faith and the hope that one day, in the next life, there will be children waiting for me, wanting my love.

In the meantime, there are so many people to love and to make laugh here.

~KDW

This Week

Quilt made for Madison and Daniel, who will marry this week. (For the second time!)

A few things we are celebrating and grateful for this week:

Time with friends: This weekend I had a chance to have lunch with a girlfriend, and later to visit other friends at their home and swim with their children. At the lunch, I hugged my friend and she said, “Oh! I think this is the first hug I’ve had from someone outside of my house in over a year!” She squeezed me with intention. I looked around the small cafe to see many others doing the same. People seemed so truly happy to be together.

Swimming with the Mason boys was a delight. Their hunger to learn is constantly bubbling up around them, as they hear words in conversation and ask for definitions. “What does ‘vocabulary’ mean?” They remind me how the simple things also delight little boys. “Aunt Kelli, I just pool burped! That’s when you burp after drinking too much pool water on accident.” And so on. It was fun to listen to them laugh and splash.

Travel: I’m preparing for a trip to Croatia with friends. We leave next week. The closest I’ve been to this part of the world is Israel and Palestine, and they aren’t exactly neighbors. I’m nervous to be gone from home for a spell without Jason, but also delighted to dust off my passport. I can’t wait to see the sea.

Watching: I’m enjoying “Atlantic Crossing,” on PBS. The costumes alone are worth watching, but the storytelling and portrayal of the the Roosevelts is entertaining.

Growing: the tomatoes are starting to wind down. We’ve had bags and bags full this year, which has been nice. I’ve canned and frozen some and given away more this week to friends and neighbors. I’m reminded that once it gets over 100, it will be nice to close up the vegetable beds for a few months and not have this outside chore. The roses, on the other hand, will need more attention. They are still blooming and starting to climb up the trellises. I’ve always wanted a rose garden, so it makes me happy to see this come to life.

Here’s wishing you a wonderful week!

-KDW

Tomato Season

I had a new approach to growing tomatoes this year, namely: try everything. I planted a dozen plant starts from the nursery in our two wicking beds in January. I also started several in pots, and one pot from seeds I’d saved. And I had two pots of tomatoes that didn’t produce a single fruit last year, but made it through the summer and were ready for another try.

They are all doing well. We are swimming in tomatoes that truly ruin us for the rest of the year, they are so delicious. I’ve put away 12 quarts of tomato sauce (that I’ve been sharing with friends and neighbors) and have been reluctantly handing out small plastic bags of these golden beauties. (Reluctantly because while a small plastic bag of tomatoes may not look like much, it is the equivalent of years of work coming to fruition.)

Two significant things changed from years prior:

  1. I am here. All the time, I am here. I water, prune, and baby these plants every day.
  2. We visited an alpaca farm last summer in Prescott Valley; one of the weirdest and most exciting souvenirs I’ve ever brought home from a trip: a giant bag of alpaca fertilizer. The rancher told us it was gold for a garden because the pH won’t burn plants. Reader, I think that $5 was perhaps the best money I’ve spent in the last year. Any time we are in the area, we’ll be buying more. (Aren’t you sorry you didn’t marry me? Related: my husband is a trouper. He didn’t blink and eye when I told him we’d be spending the next two hours in the car with a 20 pound bag of animal feces.)

This week we’re enjoying tomatoes in tacos, meatball subs, quesadillas, and I’ll make homemade pizza this weekend. I may not have the farm I always dreamed of, but we are definitely making the most of this urban garden life.

Also, I think I’ve grown out of my need for chickens. I spent 15 years wanting chickens and now that I have a dog that needs a 5 mile walk daily and constant attention, I cannot fathom having one more animal to care for, clean after, and feed. I would still like to find a local duck/chicken egg producer to buy from regularly. I can find them at the farmers’ market, but we don’t go every week and we eat a lot of eggs.

What are you growing?

Monday Review

I have several friends who publish weekly newsletters that I look forward to. They update what they’re reading, what’s happening on their farms, the shows they’re watching, the patterns they’re knitting. You get the idea. (Yeah, I know. I follow a lot of like-minded folks. Don’t you?)

On Mondays, I plan to do the same. The categories may change, but here is what’s happening at our hacienda this week:

Reading: I’m reading and very much enjoying two novels. The first is for a bookclub that met last night. I’ve only got 300 pages remaining. (Whoopsie.) The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires is funny. This book is like sipping a great glass of ice tea in a rocking chair on a porch with a cool breeze. It’s delightful. The second book I’m listening to thanks to the Libby app is “The True and Splendid History of the Harristown Sisters.” It is set in Ireland during the potato famine. The main characters are sisters who discover the magical power of their hair. Again, a delightful, easy listen.

Watching: Homeland. I never caught this series when it was on and we just started season one. It is intense and reminds me why I love Claire Danes. (And good Lord. This entire series is an advertisement for Latisse. Her eyelashes are WOW.)

Knitting: The Weekender in Cascade 220 venezia worsted for a Christmas gift.

Cooking: Oh, snap! It isn’t my week to cook. I’m not cooking a thing, other than my lunches because I’m still telecommuting. Jason and I split cooking duties when we got married. I cook and shop for two weeks and then he does the same. Once I was sent home to telecommute full time 14 months ago, I took over the cooking. I was home, and it was easier. (Let’s get honest. It wasn’t really easier, but it gave me something to do every afternoon when my professional calendar had unexpectedly emptied.) Now that there is no return to the workplace for me in sight and that schedule is busier than ever, it is time to return to our previous schedule. We cook different recipes. This is a much needed and appreciated break.

Playing: piano! Tomorrow is my final recital for my first college course in piano and I’m nervous and not exactly ready. I can play a piece perfectly at home a dozen times. Put me in front of a small crowd and my fingers become noodles. We’ll see how it goes. I’m glad to have had the time to take this class and learn to read music.

Your turn. What are you enjoying?

Fondly,

KDW