Fashionistas: What Not To Wear

Kara,

First of, I’m sorry I missed June. I know you’ve heard, but the month was mean. I’m glad she’s gone, and I rarely have such a sour attitude. Thankfully, July has already been much sweeter.* And July! Not just fireworks (we had none, thanks to actual fires) and sunny days (plenty of those) but also one of my very favorite words in the English language: VACATION. (Road trip!)

New gardening hat

So, so many options on what to wear, with splashy bags, sandals, fun earrings and big JLO-inspired hats. Oh, summer. I love thee. For bright pink pedicured toes. For popsicles in the middle of the afternoon. For running around barefoot once the sun drops behind the mountains, watching with awe as the sky sparkles to life. For fly fishing. For spending time in the garden. For watching as everyone comes out of their homes and spends as much time as possible at the park. By the creek. In the community pool.

JennieI’ve been doing a lot of clothes shopping recently and I’ve certainly avoided the items mentioned below. That said, I have bought some beautiful summer dresses and I even bought a range of suede baseball caps too. After all, you can never have too many hats in your wardrobe!! But this month’s theme is what we won’t wear. Those items we buy on a whim only to later realize they look awful. The ways we won’t bend to trend. The sections of the store we completely avoid. The looks we try not to laugh at when seen on others in public. (Crocs, embroidered outfits on anyone older than age 5 — especially those featuring Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, who is essentially a striped predator, man-pris, high-waisted anything.)

That which does not look good on me/that which I will not wear:

1. Strapless. I am not built for strapless dresses, tube tops, etc. My shoulders are broad and strong from years of swimming and I have an hourglass figure. I guess I should be happy about that, as a lot of women aspire to have an hourglass figure and it is not uncommon for women to undergo waist training to achieve it. I, myself, have even looked into buying a gym waist trainer in the past so I could enhance my figure as I wanted to make up for my muscular shoulders. And it’s quite flattering to think that so many women aspire to have a body shape I’m blessed with naturally — even if I do think I’ve got swimmer shoulders! If you are considering this, please educate yourself about waist training before you start so that you do it right. Anyway, because of my figure, strapless make me look like the Hulk. Halter dresses, however — are delightful:

april 2, 2011

Yeah. So are babies.

Mad Men Season 4

And open toed shoes.

2. Yellow. It does nothing for my olive skin. So this dress? Super cute on her, a disaster for me.

3. Ankle length pants. This is more from childhood trauma of being a jack-and-the-beanstalk-grower, but my pants never fit. I showed ankle before it was a option at the Gap. (At that time, it was called “waders.”) I like capris. I like wide leg pants. I don’t need to intentionally show ankle. They’ve seen enough light over the years.

4. Shorts. Unless I’m running in heat, yoga pants or a skirt are my go-to options. I have a pair of dark jean shorts I love that my brother recently mentioned remind him of our mom. Huh. I’d much prefer this skirt, my current fave.

Donk Runs

5. Triangle top bikinis. Le. Duh.

Honestly, my tastes are classic. Pearls. Heels. A-line dresses and skirts. Dark jeans. A great pressed white button down. An expensive handbag paired with Target bracelets. Don’t give me loud prints. Or elastic anything. I want the lines simple, the lipstick red and the eyeliner black. (Like my coffee. And President.)

So, Kara — what’s on your no-go list? You are far more adventurous than I am in the fashion department. I am eager to see what your courageous soul avoids.

Also, on the flip side? I’d LOVE to be wearing these this season.

~K

*July includes the added benefit of heartbreak. But hey, at least I haven’t hit my head yet.