Long Neck

June 26th

Long neck

There are certain things you learn from your parents without realizing it until adulthood. It’s recently dawned on me that the way my parents love each other is exceptionally rare. They met at 14, were married with a family quite young and are still best friends today — some 30 years later. They truly adore each other; my brother and I were so incredibly fortunate to be raised with these examples. We know what compromise looks like. We know that relationships don’t fall out of the sky in a box wrapped with a satin bow. We know that to be loved you must first love yourself.

While the beauty of my parent’s relationship is what I’d like, it hasn’t been easy to find. I thought I could avoid writing about my recent heartbreak, but it isn’t fair. There are enough of you who so generously stop by here daily to see what I’m up to, and it isn’t always peaches and cream.ย  A reader emailed me yesterday to make sure someone in my family wasn’t dealing with serious illness. I realized it is silly to hide what I am going through, as ugly and brutal as it is.

And so the “Christian knitting and travel blog” breaks out of the proverbial box.

I’ve been dating a man for the last few months after spending many more months getting to know each other as friends. I came into the relationship happy, healthy, confident and a true sucker for romance. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions to be back in a relationship after years of essentially feeling numb. The highs were fabulous and fun, the lows absolutely the worst and darkest place I’ve visited. And so goes love. I think the only way to do it is to give everything of yourself and hope the relationship is blessed by God.

He’s asked me not to write about him here; he reminds me very much of my father — privacy is precious. I’m going to respect his wishes and keep this vague. In a nutshell: we were together, now we are not. I lost myself in the last week, becoming a zombie without enough sleep or food. I haven’t gone for a run in days and have found myself looking forward to those absolutely ridiculous “Houswives” shows on Bravo.

Thankfully, I know who I am. I have a growing relationship with God. I have more devoted friends and family who than one could dream of. I have a job I love, a tiny garden that is trying desperately to make it through this brutal heat and a roommate who is always there to eat dinner with me and wipe away my tears. My life is whole. This love was simply the icing on the cake.

And while I could look back wondering if I should have done this or that differently, ultimately I did exactly what my parents taught me. I loved with my whole heart. I gave selflessly. I dreamed of a beautiful future and tried my hardest to enjoy the moment at hand. All of this will serve me well in the future.

I am not sorry I stuck my long neck out. Oddly enough, it just feels good to feel again. And as they say, love endures. Who knows what the future holds?

Thank you for your prayer and for reaching out. Posting will be light for the next bit while I regroup.

~K

Tagged
Posted in
Journal
Follow the comments.

46 Responses

  1. Beautifully written!! Heartache just plain sucks! (For some unknown (and seemingly unfair) reason, it wasn’t meant to be. God has an awesome man in store for you. In the meantime, it’s okay to cry and be sad (and mad as hell too!). Remember to take good care of yourself even if it feels hard to do right now.(Btw, I love that picture!!!))

  2. Knowing what you know doesn’t necessarily make it any easier, but it can help you crawl out it easier. I wish I had the right words…but you seem to have all the right words and are working your way through it. Good for you. Blessings to you on this beautiful desert day.

  3. aw, sweetheart. it is different for everyone. keep your chin up, your heart open and yes, love yourself. because there are plenty of people the whole world over who love you. and remember, you are still so very young in the grand scheme of things…..
    (((hugs)))

  4. Grieving love lost is work on its own, take your time to wallow in it so when it’s time to move on, you’ll be ready and open for the next thing.

    Sending light and love your way…

    namaste-
    amy

  5. kelli – i was really moved by this post, and have had my fair share of heartbreak too. you’ll soon find so much strength inside you that you never knew was possible. many good healing wishes to you!

  6. I’m sorry for your heartache and will keep you in my thoughts. It’s not an easy thing to deal with.

  7. Kelli. You have yet again confirmed what we mere mortals already knew…you are an angel.
    Big-Hugs…

  8. Ack. You know, all the platitudes–things happen for a reason, take it one day at a time, you will meet the right person–are true, if not exactly helpful right now. Sending love.

  9. Sorry things didn’t end up well. At least you found out before you were in REALLY deep. You know, like married with children.

  10. I love you my friend. Bear hugs.

  11. Since it seems you have no regrets, you must think that things in life just happen for the righ reason. Maybe around the corner someone is looking for you, who knows? Stay open, each one of us is meant for somebody.

  12. It is nice to feel again after being numb for so long. Don’t change who you are….I did and I don’t recommend it because it will never be enough.

    What I have learned the hard way…be yourself, love with all your heart, enjoy the moment and do your best.

    I know you will find that wonderful love but it is hard to wait for it. I hope for love in my future after heart break in my past.

    Have a great weekend and I know you will bounce back when the time is right.

  13. As you wrote about your parents relationship, I knew just what you were thinking. I too was so lucky to grow up with parents who adored each other. It was a blessing. But sometimes, it really does feel a bit like a curse… it really has upped my expectations and I feel that it probably has influenced the fact that I am still single. That said, I would so much rather go through the heartache I have over the years and wait for the right person, than to end up with the wrong one. I know we will both find that right person… just quite possibly not on the time line we wished. Sending you big hugs, I know you will bounce back and flourish.

  14. Oh Kelli, I’m thinking of you…

  15. Even though it hurts, you will be far better off loving completely and entirely, and you are a better person for realizing that. Far, far better to allow yourself to be hurt than to close yourself off and not put emotion into a relationship. If you can’t love entirely, don’t love at all.

    My husband is the only person who can anger or upset me enough to make me cry. And once I realized that, I knew he was the person I was going to marry — perhaps a bit backwards, but I also realized he was the only person I had ever been with that I opened up to enough to allow myself to be hurt.

  16. Kelli, I’m so sorry that you had to experience this emotional roller coaster. From a woman a little older than you (me!), know that each relationship that doesn’t work out will prepare you for the one you are meant for. You’re a wonderful woman and will add the right person to your already fulfilling life. Take care of yourself.

  17. Love the metaphor. Good for you for sticking your nect out. So sorry you’re going through this difficult time. You are a strong woman.

  18. neck, i mean neck.

  19. Sorry to hear about your recent woes. I’m sending lots of positive warm fuzzy vibes your way that your heart will be on the mend soon.

  20. Sorry for your pain. You certainly have had it rough over the past couple of weeks.
    Know many people are praying for you and that you’ll be back to yourself soon! ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. Sweetie…I have a couple sayings my friends told me when I went through a heartbreak……
    This too shall pass
    Its okay to cry
    He is making room for the love of your life
    EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
    Now about the housewives of NJ…whats your take on them?? …smile:)

  22. Melissa June 26, 2009

    Have been so inspired by you in the past year… by your emotional honesty especially.
    I recommend a good bottle of wine and possibly Sex and The City reruns. Cant beat those girls.
    I am a single mom and have been also through the ringer at times. Am impossibly surprised at how life turns on a dime though…for the better. Sending you love and light from texas

  23. Still thinking of you and praying for you too. Many (((hugs))) Kelli! xo, April

  24. I am a firm believer that if you don’t go into it wholeheartely, you’ll never know. I’m sorry it didn’t work. Those who have come and gone will never really know what a loss THEY really suffered.

    I waited until I was 27 and it didn’t work. 20 years later, the man of my dreams. And he was always there. Go figure!

    Hugs

  25. sweet sweet kelli. you are so good, friend. and you love in the best way that there is– with your whole heart. i know that feeling of giving it all you’ve got and then sinking low– it hurts. i am thinking of you and sending you biggest hugs right now. xox
    ps can you please send me your address?

  26. I’m sorry, Kelli. It can be so hard to even function under these circumstances but you know you will get through it in your own time. You’re such a special person. Thank you for letting us know.

  27. As you said; you did everything you were taught to do, which I’m sure was right. Love and hugs.

  28. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  29. I’m praying for you. Love you, girl!!

  30. Angie in Mexico June 26, 2009

    Adelante, Kelli, que todo va a estar bien! Muchos abrazos desde acรก.

  31. We love you! Ending a relationship is never easy; just know that things happen for a reason and that you have people all over the globe that love you and admire you. Who knew the world would ever get so small… I’ve never met you but your welfare is important to me. So I Love You – Chin Up – Tomorrow Is Another Bright, Hope filled Day

  32. Heather June 26, 2009

    Oh honey…I’m so sorry. Lots of hugs for you.

  33. Kelli, I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. The emotions you are feeling will definitely make you stronger, despite how painful it might be right now. I am here for you if you want to talk, vent, cry, or just have some friend time together…sending you love and hugs, today and every day.

  34. AmyinAZ June 26, 2009

    I’m feeling much the same way lately and I really feel for you. Sending hugs your way.

  35. Kelli, I am so sorry. I am thinking of you – I cannot imagine that there isn’t someone out there for some one as thoughtful and heartfelt as you.

  36. Good for you for being brave Kelli. You are in my prayers. And though we’ve not met in person yet….I’ve got your back. ๐Ÿ™‚

  37. Yes, I’ve been where you are…hang in there. Take good care of yourself!

  38. I’m praying for your heart to heal. Feel God’s grace. You are on my mind.

  39. Jeanie June 27, 2009

    Awww, hey, girl. I’m sorry for the loss you feel.

    Having found my husband when I was 32 I can tell you this: when you have had to wait, and you find The One that God has in mind for you — not a day goes by that you take for granted who He put in your hands.

    I know….who wants to hear that from the old married lady, right? I’m sorry for your broken heart. What a class act you are to respect his wishes and keep it vague. Don’t believe for a moment that God has forgotten you.

    Love,
    Jeanie

  40. Kelli,
    Sending you hugs and good thoughts as you re-group. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with all of us. You will get everything your parents have and more. Hang in there.

  41. Oh Kelli, I am sad for you. You are doing the right thing though, don’t ever doubt it. The right man and relationship will happen for you, there is no doubt. Be good to yourself…ciao and hugs

  42. Kelli, I think it’s a testament to how beautiful you are inside and out that I had to scroll for 3 min. just to get to this comment box. Thinking and praying for you! God has some great things for you, I’m sure of it!

  43. Dear Kelli, I am reaching to you, embracing you, wiping away the tears. When one hurts we all hurt. Know that you are loved, you are a child of God who dearly loves you. in love and light and peace.

  44. Torrey June 29, 2009

    Sorry for the hard times Kelli.
    My thoughts are with you : )

  45. Oh Kelli… I’m so sorry to hear of your broken heart. xoxom

    PS… A good dose of table flipping should help chase some of the blues! (Outing myself as a huge fan of the NJ wives, sans one of them).

Leave a Comment: