Push

June 3rd

Nightstand

I haven’t been reading much lately. To be honest, I’ve been a bit out of sorts. Since Easter, the television came back on, junk food showed up in the pantry and a battle with anxiety began. I’ve started running again, knowing the exercise pumps endorphins and helps clear my head. I’ve been watching ridiculous comedies with my roommate until I can fall asleep on the couch and crawl off to bed leaving the nagging worry of insomnia in the living room. But the oddest thing that’s happened in the last month is I am not hungry. I’ve been cooking beautiful meals with  herbs and tomatoes from the garden only to sit down in front of a plate and not want a bite.  It part, it’s the heat.

It’s funny that the more determined I am to have something, the less likely it seems to happen. When I’m exceptionally focused at working out and eating right, I rarely notice a change. The frustration fuels me to continue, convinced the next workout will get me back in those jeans in the back of the closet. Then, for whatever reason, I just stopped. I started eating cheese  and real ice cream and having a glass of wine with dinner without worrying about running another mile the next day to right the balance. Of course, once I walked away from the pressure of eating a perfect 1500 calories and getting an hour of cardio, my body responded gratefully to the end of torment. My clothes fit better. I’m not perpetually sore. I’m not ravenously hungry and eating like a maniac between grueling workouts.

The same thing has happened, oddly enough, with this novel of mine. Once I stepped back, looked at things a bit differently and decided to stop beating myself up with the stack of rejection letters from publishers, I found a way. I asked a friend to take some back-cover portraits and look over the manuscript for grammar errors. I called a colleague who successfully self published and asked for advice. I emailed a book publisher at a self-publishing house and asked if he’d take me as a client. If he didn’t, it really didn’t matter. I wrote my novel as a gift for my father several years ago. He’s read it and understands how much he means to me. Mission accomplished. Of course, the publisher was excited to take me on as a client. The portraits are way better than I could have hoped for. The editing is complete and she liked the story! We’re moving forward. With this pattern, my vision of having a signing  in October will come to pass too.

I’m finding the less I stress over money, the easier it is to take my lunch to work and save. The less I push to be  “a good Christian,” the more I find myself naturally reaching out to help others. The less I force myself into the lives of others, the more time they want with me. The less I burden myself with being crisply ironed and always cheery, the more I am sincerely happy.

I suppose I should have listened to those years ago who told me to stop taking everything so seriously.

~K

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26 Responses

  1. Congrats to you!

  2. Love it. Enjoy life and things fall in place. 🙂 Hope you’re having a great week so far!

  3. I too, am a “try-harder” person and lately I’ve been playing with the idea of what success really means. Thanks for sharing your experiences – I needed to see how you’re learning.

  4. I can’t wait to read your book!! Will you have a book signing in Boston?!

  5. “It’s funny that the more determined I am to have something, the less likely it seems to happen.”

    AMEN!

  6. “I suppose I should have listened to those years ago who told me to stop taking everything so seriously.”

    Yes, my dear, that’s it! Speaking from personal experience.

    PS Anxiety is a great dieting tool but I certainly don’t recommend it from a quality of life perspective!!!!

  7. Kelli, once again we are on the same wave length! Taking things step-by-step/one day at a time has really helped me move forward lately. Odd how that works better than pushing and forcing. That doesn’t mean that I am not defining my dreams and living with intention (but you already know that). It is just that I am letting things happen at a slower pace and working to keep my life in balance along the way. Thanks for all the inspiration.

    Can’t wait to read your book!!

  8. Good for you! And Blue Like Jazz is one of my favorite books, I recommend it to everyone. If you like that one you should also check out Velvet Elvis.

  9. I want that Blue Like Jazz commenter to explain the Sexy Carrot to us.

    Proud of you friend…

  10. Congrats on your book news! I am an inveterate list-maker, but luckily (?) I lack the follow-through to stress myself out about all the to-do items that pile up on my lists. That advice about taking yourself too seriously sounds awfully familiar to me, too! =)

  11. Congratulations on the wonderful things in your life mentioned in your post today. I feel like it sounds sappy and silly when i type it out, but you are an inspiration Miss K. I am a SAHM. I am roughly 100 pounds overweight. Each day is a battle with depression and anxiety, despite my medication-although it does take the edge off. I feel as though all I do is B**ch and Moan about everything. I read your blog and, I can’t figure out how to type this actually, I feel inspired to be better. To be better without making a big deal out of it, to be better with what I have and to be better just for me. Does that even make sense? I love your blog. I wish I knew people like you “in real life”. I wish I had known people like you as I was growing up and was your age. You are (or seem to be anyway) a very genuine young woman. It is a pleasure to read your thoughts on life. thank you for always sharing.

  12. Ditto! First, many congrats to you. Second, I can absolutely relate and at the same time too!

  13. Margaret June 3, 2009

    Thank you for being honest and being real. You inspire me to be that as well.

  14. Love this and you!

  15. Um. Kelli. I don’t mean to alarm you. But. I think we are twins. LOL. Good long story coming your way soon, I promise! Hugs,
    Kat

  16. Tina in Duluth June 4, 2009

    How exciting about the book!

    Enjoy the peace that will come from not taking everything too seriously.

  17. Read BLUE LIKE JAZZ! I just finished it and LOVED IT! 🙂

  18. Claire June 4, 2009

    Thank you for today’s post, it truly spoke to me. I am always beating myself up about one thing or another or stressing about one thing or another. This was a good reminder to just live life and see what happens.

  19. Claire June 4, 2009

    P.S. Congratulations on your book. I had prayed that would work out for you.

  20. Debbie June 4, 2009

    You have some good books in your stack! I really enjoyed “Unaccustomed Earth” and I just received the newest in the “No. 1 Ladies’ Detective” series. Don’t be so hard on yourself and enjoy!

  21. I met Donald Miller, the author of “Blue Like Jazz” in Michigan when I was at the Obama campaign office before a canvassing event back in September. He was working predominantly with the African American Christian community there surrounding the fears about Obama being a Muslim. A very kind and articulate man. It’s a good book.

    I also suggest “When Jesus Came to Harvard” by Harvey Cox which is really more about Jesus at the moral/ethical man that as a Christian leader. Very interesting.

  22. That’s one hell of a revelation, ain’t it?

  23. You are wonderful, and I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. But most of all I am so grateful for your honesty, humility, and teaching all of us (or reminding us) just what really matters.

  24. I worked as an editor for years. I’d be happy to help out any way I can…if you need me. You’re an inspiration!

  25. Kelli this is beautifully written. Most of us get this this some time in our lifetime. You have reminded me of the time I finally got it. You are a humble, gracious woman who teaches and touches others on your life journey. You certainly have touched my heart and soul my friend. You know I am cheering you on with your book. Speaking of books, that’s a great stack you have there.

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