Rendering Him Infertile

September 21st

I’m officially adding a new category as of today: TRIATHLON. In one year, I am going to be competing in a 1/2 Ironman (Ironwoman?). This is a race that, to my basic understanding, tests your mental fortitude as much as your physical strength. It includes a 1.2 mile lake swim, a 56 mile bike and then a 13 mile run. (To think that people do twice this much is amazing to me.) It is going to take 12 months of obsessive training to get me to the finish line.

Training began last week. While I’ve been swimming and running a fair bit, I haven’t been cycling. Friday, I purchased a road bike — which cost no less than my first car, mind you — along with all the gear. Helmet, tire tool kit, front and rear lights, water bottles and holders, tire pump, padded shorts, new sunglasses (because you’ve got to accessorize baby!), etc. I threatened to buy the streamers, but alas, money was already flying out of my wallet so fast, I thought I should put on the brakes a bit.

Saturday was my first ride. I woke early, got on the road by 6 am and realized quickly the road I had selected had no bike lane. With the sun just coming up, there were few cars on the road and no pedestrian traffic. I thought it would be okay to cruise along this street for a bit until I found a good turn off and could head south for a couple of miles before looping back home. The idea was to test Ruby, the bike, out for an hour and see how badly my rear end hurt the next day. I have a tendency to over do things, and knew I’d better be careful or I’d be limping for the rest of the week.

Ruby and I cruised along the road and I started feeling a bit confident. Her 30 gears were no longer intimidating. My feet in the cages weren’t so scary. Even the helmet strap around my throat wasn’t bothering me too much. Everything was going swimmingly until I got stuck behind a city bus. It kept stopping and I kept waiting behind it, unwilling to go on the sidewalk and too scared to pass in the next lane of traffic. Finally, after a couple of miles, I became exasperated and decided indeed to pass the bus on the sidewalk.

Ruby and I were flying past the bus when it came to stop. Just as I went to pass, a man stepped off the bus directly in to my path. I didn’t just mow him down, I may have rendered him infertile.
My handlebars went into his crotch.
His coffee flew in the air and went all over me.
I couldn’t get my feet out of those cages fast enough, so the bike tilted toward the bus and I slid with it. By the time I gathered myself and my balance, I was dripping in Irish cr√®me and apologizing to a man’s groin. Then, beet red with embarrassment, I looked up after realizing perhaps my “I’m sorrys” should be directed toward his eyes and not his genitalia — from which I had just pried my bike. He too was quite shocked, embarrassed and worried he’d burned me with his coffee. We were both fine, thankfully, and we quickly said our goodbyes. Me cycling one way, him limping the other.
It wasn’t until I got about a mile away that the humor of the situation caught up with me. Then I got the giggles and simply couldn’t stop laughing. Every time I caught my breath, I caught a whiff of his coffee — all over my shirt and bike — and started the hysterical laughter again.
Oh, what a show we put on for those on the bus. And what a great first ride!

~K

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23 Responses

  1. You are going to get me in trouble at work. I am dying laughing over here! 🙂 I’m glad you have a good attitude about the situation!!! And good luck in training for this. I can’t imagine being so self-disciplined! I know that you are very dedicated to all that you do though.

  2. Kelli, you are amazing!! A Triathlon?! Wow…

    The adventures of your first bike ride are freaking hysterical.

    Did I mention you are amazing?

  3. Whoa! I am glad you [both] are ok. That was funny but be careful woman! In my hometown [cambridge] you get a moving violatin ticket if you ride your bike on the sidewalk.

    Good luck with your training…somehow I’m not surprised you are doing this triathalon. 🙂

  4. Olivia diane September 21, 2006

    I am in awe of you! The way you just get out there and do it. I always thought that I would love to do something like a triathlon, but alas, that is as far as my thoughts ever go.

    Your story is too funny…I actually laughed out loud.

  5. HAHAHAH! An auspicious beginning if I ever heard one. I will be cheering you on with your training. You’re amazing!

  6. It takes brass to announce a half-ironman a year in advance.

    In your favor are:
    – you’re already a swimmer (in spite of your internal protestations to the contrary about your ability to swim “at the pace I used to”) which puts you *way* ahead of the crowd.
    – you’re already a runner, who sniffs disdainfully at the mere half-marathon distance (half-marathon? feh. I’ve done pre-race workouts longer than that).
    – the 56 mile bike course will be laid out such that the likelihood of encountering city buses, or elderly coffee-drinkers is small, never mind encountering both simultaneously.

    And finally in your favor: you’re tough. I’ll be watching. Good luck.

  7. Oh no. That is just too much! And, thanks for getting out there and working it for all us couch potatoes. I’ll have an extra plate of pasta for you…gotta get those carbs in for energy on those dangerous bike rides.

  8. Kelli,Kelli,Kelli!! You make me smile with your great posts. Loved how you were talking to his “genitalia” region…Too funny!

  9. LOL! So funny. Cycling is the only sport where the saying “it’s all downhill from here” actually sounds like a good thing. Enjoy your bike, and happy training.

  10. You amaze me. One of my friends recently did a Triathalon in San Diego. She’s a 38?39? year old mother of two. In the best shape of her life. I’ve never been a runner – knee problems, but I wish you well as you train and hope for no more Irish creme incedents. And let’s see a pic of Ruby!

  11. Yay! You named her! I will be rooting for you and Ruby all the way!

    Here’s to twelve months free of crotch-smashing. 🙂

  12. what a great story. perhaps the guy already had kids, so don’t worry about rendering him infertile.I am deeply in awe of your courage and motivation (could do with some of that myself) – go Kelli! (and Ruby!)

  13. Oh, you are amazing. I have always wanted to run a marathon, but hate to commit if I really dont have the time to go at it full force (at least that’s what I tell myself). But good for you!!! And I loved the ending of the S. America trip below. S (husband) has traveled to ARG many, many times and he says it is one of the places that we need to go together. He loves it, I hope you get to see it soon.

  14. Kelli, so glad you got your ruby!!! Please don’t improve too quickly, I am looking forward for more great, great, great laughs.
    Have fun, you brave girl!

  15. You´re lucky to be alive! As for the triathlon, good on you! I used to do a lot of swimming back in Australia and also took part in a mixed triathlon once ( I swam, another person ran and a different person again did the cycling) It almost killed me!

  16. What a story…and you tell it well. Holding my mouth from “oh I hope she’s okay” “poor guy’s genitals” to laughing out loud.

    P.S. thank you for the card and photos of Bolivia. Beautiful!

  17. A memorable start to your new endeavor! I’ll be chuckling over this all day, Kelli. lol

  18. Good luck with your training – that stuff is hardcore!
    Oh my, you had me laughing with your story.

  19. Oh no! That story is like out of a movie.

    You are scary ambitious in your triathalon training ways. I just hope you dont have to do the swimming portion in that Awful Tempe Town Lake Gutter Pond.

  20. oh my goodness!!!!

    i was laughing and horrified at the same time!!!!

    i’m glad you are both okay! that could have been bad!!

  21. A triathlon how exciting. Is it cycle, swim then run? or is the swim last? or first? Imaging running or cycling after the swimming!!!!