I went for a hike last week to the top of the M — M for Mines, Colorado School of Mines, and Mount Zion. I only made it to the M, not to the top of Lookout Point — some 3 miles farther along, but it was a triumph. I’ve climbed this trail a dozen times in the last few years and never made it this far. A month of living in Colorado under my belt, I was still sucking wind when I made it to the this pinnacle.
The last month wouldn’t have happened if not for the generosity of my friends Sheila and Charlie (and baby R.) They opened their home to me in Golden, invited me to become a member of their family and truly showed me a kindness I’ll never forget. It gave me the time to find the right home, hike many trails, explore the city and many mountain roads and catch my breath after the move. It gave me the space to remember what is important to me — that voice that booms in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. The pinch in your stomach when you know you meant to do something specific and you cannot waste another moment questioning your ability or purpose.
The last week has left me homesick. Not so much for Tempe, but for my friends. For a hard and hilarious run with Juliann and Adam. For Sunday dinner with Bec and her fam. For happy hour at Four Peaks with the gang. For the quick and uncomfortable hug with Mini. For teasing the African about his latest conquests. For feeling like a part of the Wright/Disbrow/Brennan families. A trip to the lanes with the bowling league. etc. I’ve created a new existence here that is far quieter, a touch rural and sincerely peaceful. It has given me plenty of time to consider what I want to achieve next and what I want this sweet Colorado life to look like.
And so, I try to shake the many trappings that continue to leave me guilt ridden and awake at 2 am. So far from perfect, so far from giving up.
As my friend Jay Z says, you gotta get that dirt off your shoulder.*
*99 Problems would also be appropriate. Just don’t count me out as #100.