The In Between

June 16th

So, the thing about God is that He isn’t necessarily fair. A friend of our family died in an odd accident a little over a month ago. She was beautiful, young, newly married and her death makes me want to go to the top of Camelback Mountain and scream at the top of my lungs and pull at my hair.  My mom isn’t taking it much better. We’ve cried together several times over the phone, which really sucks with two states in between.

She says she’s angry with God. As much as I’m trying otherwise, I feel the same. Initially, I tried to logically talk her down. Coya’s death was an accident. She was a wonderful woman and she had a great faith and her family would find comfort from their rallying community. And then I hung up, shut myself in the bathroom and wailed until my nose ran dry. We were about the same age and I’m certain that if the shoe were on the other foot, she’d be the one on the tile floor. I miss her and it makes me so sad to imagine what her parents and twin sister are trying to deal with. To make matters a bit more horrifying, her husband was killed too.

About 90% of the time, I’m one of the most optimistic and happiest people.  But that other 10%, I’m overwhelmed. I feel like my relationship with God is tested with doubt and anger and I debate whether I am ever going to be able to feel at peace. It doesn’t help that in this shut down mode, I typically stop eating and answering my phone. Hunger and isolation rarely make things better, and yet this isn’t a time for logic.  While my clothing will certainly be more comfortable next week, I’m not sure my heart is going to recover anytime soon.

I feel guilty being angry with God. I know better. I know we aren’t supposed to understand and there really is no rhyme or reason to tragedy and heart ache. Yet still, that won’t comfort Coya’s family and friends. It won’t provide any relief to the dozens of kids at the Beira orphanage I am missing so dearly. It doesn’t even help with the immature homesickness I feel for my family.

I’ll get through this 10%. I have worlds to be thankful for. I simply wish anger with God wasn’t possible.

~K

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27 Responses

  1. I was thinking just today about anger at God and came to the conclusion that sometimes I think anger at God is the most appropriate thing. He builds us with the capacity for anger and frustration, and knows us better than anyone else. How, then, can we seriously think we can hide anger or pretend it away. Sometimes being angry is the most healthy thing to be. Hugs. I felt the same way some years back when a coworker died unexpectedly of a heart attack. She was younger than me, the sweetest, most earnest person, and a single mom of a boy of six. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

  2. My heart goes out to you and all those who loved your friend Coya.

    Your feelings are perfectly natural, Kelli, don’t feel guilty. God has broad shoulders and can handle the anger.

  3. ((hugs))
    I think God expects us to be mad at him when things like this happen, because, we are mere mortals and will not understand until the time is right.

    I agree with Junie, he has broad shoulders.

  4. You are not alone. I’ve been mad at God on several occasions. I guess that the only thing that can give me comfort in a time like that is knowing that there is always a reason for whatever happens…even if we won’t know it for a long time.

  5. Being angry at death is normal. When I am stuck in the grief of missing the only person that ever really understood me I hang on tight to God by. He is the only One that can ever bring me comfort amidst the anger and pain. I listened to Natalie Grant’s song, Held, over and over making puddles on my desk. I love Him so much more for the comfort He gave and still does even though my heart aches. He is still good and has never stopped being anything but good. He’s really going to put an end to death someday. I can’t wait.

  6. (Hug and hand squeeze).

  7. Kelli I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t know much, but my gut tells me that what Junie, and others, said about the broad shoulders has to be true. I am still angry at the death of my father, 9 years later. I think it is part of the process. <> I wish I knew of something profound to say here. all I can come up with is <>

  8. It’s easier for me, I’m not a believer, so at least I won’t be angry with God, never. But I’m angry with the rest of the world, when I see people deserving all the best suffering and die, while bastards and villains seems to have it all. It’s not fair, and I can’t accept it.

  9. Anger is part of the emotional package we all have inside of us. Without the darker side of emotions we would not be able to appreciate the lighter side. It is a constant daily if not moment to moment battle we all have feeling these feelings and then analyzing the feelings and then analyzing the analyzing. I am pretty sure we would all agree with you on this situation. Be thankful that you are in a 90/10 situation. Most of us are 50/50 sometimes 20/80. Peace and love to you!

  10. It is at times likes this that we always have to remember to utilize the basic tools that God has given us. Have you prayed for peace? Have you prayed to God and told him you are angry and don’t understand and for him to help take this burden from you? Have you read the scriptures? Geez louise my Sunday School teacher would be proud – I really do listen in class!!! 🙂 big hugs and kisses to you and I’m so sorry.

  11. Give yourself time.
    God understands.
    I am sorry for your loss.

  12. Do you think your friend would want you to be mad at God? Bad things in this world happen, but usually something good happens from the bad. I think of it as this world has the devil running around and it is his dominion, however God is there to make good of what the devil destroys. Going to our knees will bring us closer to God. Just know, truly she is in a better place. Hugs….

  13. Debbie June 17, 2009

    Anger at God is a natural human emotion and God will pay you back with love and growth. At times when I have been angry with God, I read Psalms, the “cursing” Psalms in particular, the ones where you can imagine the Psalmist shaking a fist at God in anger. I will keep you and your family in prayer.

  14. Oh, I’m so sorry for the loss you and yours are feeling for this dear person. The anger is a part of the grief process, and I don’t think there’s any way around it. What’s important is that in time, we unclench the fist that we’ve held tightly closed in anger. In time, we can unclench the fist and trust Him, and let Him heal our hurting heart. We lost my fil suddenly about 12 years ago, and that anger still will occasionally pop up, and I have to release it all over again.

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. One of the wonderful thing about God is that he understands our anger. He sees through it to the love we have hidden inside our anger. I don’t think he even expects us not to be angry. I can’t imagine he did not feel angry when his son was hanging on that cross. He just knew how to let his love out through the anger. We are human. It takes us time to process it all. I can see your love shinning through in the love you had for your friend. The sun will come up again tomorrow and your memories will always shine as your friend lives on through you.

  16. Hi Kelli,
    you know what I went through. There is no logic or reason for things like this happening to anybody, specially to people that we think are so wonderful and special and have so much life to live and so much more to give…but the truth is that we all have to die, some of us die sooner than others and in unexpected ways. It is very sad and that sadness never goes away. But up until the day that your friend died, I am sure she did enjoy life, she had much to give and share and she obviously made a mark in many people around her. And this still remains, inside of you and many others who knew her. It’s OK to feel down, that is a demonstration of all the love you felt for her. Better days will come soon. And about the anger…well I personally got rid of it the same day my husband died. I knew it would not take me to any good place and I had to be my best for my son. Take care my friend.

  17. Kelli- I am so sorry to hear this. It seems like one of those things you think would never happen to you or anyone close to you…but it does. Its reality, and I know there is nothing we can say to help you feel better right now, except to please keep talking through it and we can be as encouraging as possible. Like my dad always told me…don’t go to bed angry. Keep talking to God about it and keep talking to us…that may be the only way to get through and understand. Thats what blogger friends are for. 🙂

  18. Allison June 17, 2009

    I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  19. Kelli – I am so sorry. I will be lifting you and your family up. It’s always so hard to deal with death and things that don’t make sense, especially when your not sure you will ever be all right again. One thing I have learned is that God is a big God and He can take your anger. I think he even welcomes it. Just keep yelling, don’t stop communicating/communing with him.
    Hugs and prayers!

    P.S. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrew 4:16

  20. Coming late to the table here. Won’t try to add more, just know that you are not alone in your grief, nor in your anger at God.

    Feel what you need to feel, girl, and know that emotions are the tides – they come and they go, sometimes revealing treasures, sometimes covering the life we know is beneath the surface.

  21. God can handle your anger. He wants, even craves, your honesty. I’m so sorry this happened to someone you love.

  22. Heather June 17, 2009

    I’m so sorry, Kelli. My love and prayers are with you, your family and friends.

  23. **HUG** God understands. You know this. love you

  24. Sorry to hear about your loss. Death is always challenging. It’s one of those things maybe we’re not meant to understand. Hugs to you and your friends’ family and friends.

  25. I am so sorry. When I lost my mom (one of the kindest people I’ve known), I was never mad at God because, well, I’m Buddhist. It was a horrible experience (every time I was alone, I sobbed uncontrollably), but you’re right about the love of family and friends pulling you through. Many years later, looking back at the experience and how it’s changed my life, I realize that I am a much different, much better, much deeper, and frankly, a much happier person now. Part of it is that I’m older and wiser and it would have happened anyway, but a bigger part is that in coming to terms with that loss, I began to look at life as more precious (cliche, I know) and actively look for more beauty and depth in my life. Not to try to find more beauty, but to appreciate the beauty that was already there because I’d become painfully aware of how fleeting it is.

    My thoughts are with you. And even if you’re forgetting to eat, make sure you drink enough water so you don’t cry yourself dry. Take care.

  26. I just found a nice little post that I wrote about my mom that may (or may not) help…
    http://wisdomofthemoon.blogspot.com/2008/03/sandy.html

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