The In Between

So, the thing about God is that He isn’t necessarily fair. A friend of our family died in an odd accident a little over a month ago. She was beautiful, young, newly married and her death makes me want to go to the top of Camelback Mountain and scream at the top of my lungs and pull at my hair.  My mom isn’t taking it much better. We’ve cried together several times over the phone, which really sucks with two states in between.

She says she’s angry with God. As much as I’m trying otherwise, I feel the same. Initially, I tried to logically talk her down. Coya’s death was an accident. She was a wonderful woman and she had a great faith and her family would find comfort from their rallying community. And then I hung up, shut myself in the bathroom and wailed until my nose ran dry. We were about the same age and I’m certain that if the shoe were on the other foot, she’d be the one on the tile floor. I miss her and it makes me so sad to imagine what her parents and twin sister are trying to deal with. To make matters a bit more horrifying, her husband was killed too.

About 90% of the time, I’m one of the most optimistic and happiest people.  But that other 10%, I’m overwhelmed. I feel like my relationship with God is tested with doubt and anger and I debate whether I am ever going to be able to feel at peace. It doesn’t help that in this shut down mode, I typically stop eating and answering my phone. Hunger and isolation rarely make things better, and yet this isn’t a time for logic.  While my clothing will certainly be more comfortable next week, I’m not sure my heart is going to recover anytime soon.

I feel guilty being angry with God. I know better. I know we aren’t supposed to understand and there really is no rhyme or reason to tragedy and heart ache. Yet still, that won’t comfort Coya’s family and friends. It won’t provide any relief to the dozens of kids at the Beira orphanage I am missing so dearly. It doesn’t even help with the immature homesickness I feel for my family.

I’ll get through this 10%. I have worlds to be thankful for. I simply wish anger with God wasn’t possible.

~K